Trigger Warning: This content contains graphic and disturbing descriptions of:
✨ It’s my time now ✨
For that to happen, for me to live my life in full, I need to get all of this out there. I’m done holding it in. I’ve had a lifetime of hiding behind a mask of fear. Of people pleasing & trying to keep the peace. I didn’t want or ask for any of what I’ve been through & I certainly didn’t deserve it. I am not ashamed. Something I can say now, but it hasn’t always been the case.
If you’re interested in what I’ve been dealing with all this time, desperately trying to keep my head above the water whilst simultaneously acting like everything’s fine & nothings going on. Here it is. It’s lengthy, it’s real & gets gritty in places. It’s just the tip of the iceberg in truth. Of course it is. It’s a life. It’s my life! But if you stick with it & get to the end you will understand & know me much better. Who I am as a person & why I do the work I do. So let’s jump straight in…buckle up!!
This year has been significant for me,marking a period of renewal that resonates with the transformations from a decade ago. I feel like I'm starting again, almost as if I'm emerging from the ashes like a phoenix. This journey reflects my growth & resilience, symbolising a powerful rebirth, filled with new possibilities. It’s my 10 year poliversary & it also marks 10 years since I tried to take my own life by hanging myself. Interestingly enough it was also the time that my art was really taking off & was doing exceptionally well. In 2013 I created “Leila” the first run of Variable Edition Silkscreen Prints which was the beginning of my Gilded Collection working with metal leaf. These hand finished Limited Edition prints were screenprints of the original painting “Leila Domani” & were launched at the Affordable Art Fair in Battersea, London by Turner Barnes Gallery. They took my art to new heights aswell as new audiences & flew off the shelves as they say. Since this first Art Fair my art was shown & sold internationally at Affordable Art Fairs aswell as being shown in Selfridges & Zebra One Gallery in London. I would go on to have my very own Solo Exhibition “All That Glitters” in 2015.
For you to understand my art & my story you have to understand all that I have been through. The many experiences & traumas that have shaped my life & made me the person I am today. I sadly have had a trauma filled life but the upside of this is trauma fuels creativity.
It’s true the saying that the opposite of depression is expression. I think trauma fuels great creativity & expression in us. It is the push that forces us grow, whether we want to or not.
Trauma can alter brain structure and function, sometimes resulting in MRI patterns similar to those seen in neurodivergent individuals. This phenomenon, often referred to as acquired neurodivergence, is pretty fascinating.
There’s also, not surprisingly, a strong link between neurodiversity & trauma. They are comorbidities meaning if you have one you likely have the other & this sadly goes for PTSD aswell.
“Trauma and neurodiversity go hand in hand, sadly. Despite that, it is not a well-researched area. What we do know, is that people with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are three times as likely to be exposed to trauma and 80% of adults with ADHD report trauma experiences. We know that ADHD children are at greater risk of burns, upper extremity fractures, and head injuries, and people with ASD are at greater risk of physical and sexual abuse than their neurotypical (NT) counterparts. And this correlation works in both directions: ADHD is diagnosed twice as often in abused children, and prevalence and symptom severity increases with subsequent trauma – an effect that has not been shown in neurotypical population studies.”-Amanda Marples Welldoing.org
I’m fond of the Japanese art of kintsugi, which involves repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer. It’s believed that the flaw adds history to the piece which makes it all the more beautiful. As we all experience trauma in our lives the focus should really shift onto pouring compassion into those cracks. I think we have been & are seeing a shift in that direction in society,but we still could do with more. More awareness can & still should be made.
The art of how we repair & what beauty can come from it. Healing from trauma is the art of repairing yourself. Often over & over again. That’s why the heart is so strong & incredibly resilient ♥️ It also ignites your gift of intuition. Your heart, intuition & creativity are all one ❤️🔥
I’ve begun to feel feelings properly & fully for the first time this year due to my lifelong disassociation. It’s freakin’ wild. Having these realisations in themselves is wild when until a certain point in your life you honestly believed you had had a pretty normal one. The mind does so much to shield itself from the truth. We as humans are capable of incredible feats.
This amongst others is one of the main things that drew me into the world of pole & then aerial & why I always encourage people to discover what your body can do❣️ So many of us are disassociated from our bodies due to chronic conditions, pain, grief, trauma. Reconnecting & befriending our bodies is a key step.
Delving into the creatives gives you the space & freedom to express yourself aswell as holding a space for yourself.
Looking back, I can now see that my artwork now was a declaration of my strong femineity & suppressed sexuality. My own fierce female prowess that’s been pushed down to make others comfortable. Honestly, I have been afraid it myself, all this time without realising it. But I see now that this fear was learnt & is not my own.
I always struggled to explain & figure out the inspiration of my work. The message I was trying to convey. It’s the questions I’d always get asked. Now I understand why. I needed to heal first so I could understand. My minds been keeping it all safely tucked away from me.
I’m unravelling back to find my true authentic self before I had everyone else’s shit & expectations put an me. I was terrified & trapped & wasn’t even aware of it. My mind lied to me & told me I was in love. I was a child. I started being groomed at the age of 8.
What is a child supposed to know of these things?
I was primed for this of course by the fact that I was bullied by my father.
All these experiences have made me turn inward & hyperfocus for the answers (adhd for the win🙌). This ultimately is a result of the neglect I’ve had as a child where I’ve assumed it’s my fault which is a pretty standard response. My abusers have also always told me that it’s been because of how I look or how I am in some way, making it clear it’s my fault, not theirs. So as a natural survival instinct, especially at such a young age, you self monitor & self examine. Once I started talking about all of this, I realised I had the belief that I’ve been blaming myself for everything that’s happened to me which is just utter bullshit!! It was never my fault. I know that. The adult rational me knows that. But my inner child I think still needs some convincing. I’m hoping with time she’ll come round. The result of this constant looking inwards, this drive to improve, the quest to learn more about myself & to grow been the best thing I could have ever done. It may have stemmed from fear originally & the need to be loved & accepted, but now I give that to myself.
So, I’m going to start from the very beginning. I was born with many chronic health conditions & was not a healthy baby. I had severe asthma & allergies & I didn’t know about these until the last few years. I also am neurodivergent, have adhd although I am now wondering whether I should use audhd as it seems more apt, hEDS, POTS, migraines (since the age of 4!!), chronic pain, chronic fatigue & am now actually classified as disabled. As a young child not knowing any of these things or what I was dealing with, was labelled as a difficult child. This only got worse as I got older as males were revered in our families & I often landed the blame for things that weren’t my responsibility. This was a pattern that I of course being a child I took on which would help shape my life. This male preference later led me to deny my own sexuality which my nan used to laugh at me about which I used to think was cruel, but I now see was her only seeing how futile my efforts were at something she herself had to deal with in her family & lifetime also.
My parents also used to smack us as punishment which wasn’t all that uncommon then & was as their parents treated them. My parents also used to get into heated arguments & rows that would sometimes get violent. Me & my brother would sit at the top of the stairs & listen worried. So domestic violence & abuse was common & pretty standard in my household. It was the norm & was how I was raised.
I was bullied by my father & constantly criticised. Whether he realised it or not, & whether it was intended or not. That was how he treated me. My brother got treated just as poorly by my father.
My parents got divorced which quite frankly was a relief although of course it was traumatic in itself. At the age of 8 I started to be groomed. At the age of 11 I was raped for the first time on his birthday. It was a milestone one & I was a gift he was giving to himself. This sadly continued well on throughout my teenage years & no one was the wiser. It’s incredible how your mind warps & suppresses experiences to protect you. I was manipulated, tortured, trained, abused & raped for years upon years telling myself that this was love. But it was in no way love & I’ve since felt the utter fear & pain that both my body & mind wouldn’t & couldn’t let me feel, because it simply wasn’t safe to. The panic of feeling trapped with no escape, no way out & not feeling safe anywhere I was. In fact, it hadn’t been safe for me to feel & process all of this until the last few years. Because I’m sad to say, I haven’t been safe for my entire life. Since this I have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. How was I supposed to know any better or different when this is all I’ve known? I have been sexually assaulted & raped outside of my “relationships” several times too. Sadly, once when I was only 13. It almost feels like you’re wearing a big sign or a flag or something. I understand now it’s all to do with trauma bonding, posture & body language, confidence & how we carry ourselves. We’re easy prey & predators can spot us a mile off! They see the damage & the unhealed part of you. I’m not in any way saying that we are to blame but I have realised that there are things that make us easier to spot for these narcissistic abusers. If I can help raise some awareness as a preventative measure even if it’s not met well by some, I’m going to say it!!
I look back now & see that I was always taken advantage of by my so-called male “friends” when I was younger. My boyfriends have always been manipulative & abusive leading me to my marriage which was full of violence, gaslighting & my ultimate downfall but also my salvation.
It’s funny & I do not think it’s a coincidence (I don’t believe in them anymore!) that I am a part of this exhibition & am ready to share this with the world as this year marks the 10-year anniversary of 2 major events that changed my life forever. In 2014 I took up pole fitness. I had wanted to start sooner but sadly I had an epigastric hernia which needed repairing so this set me back a few years!! Thanks, hEDS!! But going to pole classes gave me a safe space to start allowing myself to be myself again & gave me the freedom to start building my confidence back up after my narcissistic partner had managed to isolate me from all of my friends pretty well. I know of course I let this happen. I am not blameless, but nothing was more important to me than finally finding someone who truly cared about me & loved me etc etc! I was in a fairytale which is also so common when relationships begin with love bombing!!
The other milestone, although grim was that summer I tried to hang myself. What was so scary about this is that although I was depressed & had been my whole life, which was my norm & had thought about suicide a few times, this was in no way planned. No what was so scary about this is that I completely disassociated & was just watching from above like it was happening to someone else & I was so calm, collected & peaceful.
Thankfully it failed & the chord snapped. This near-death experience woke me the fuck up & although my partner & I were in couples counselling I started to get my own counselling immediately as this understandably shook me to my core.
I want to add here that nooses were tied & shoved in my face by my groomer over the years. Some sort of weird obsession of his. Everything’s cyclical. Sadly, I tried bringing up my grooming in a session of couple counselling when my ex had left the session & got some terrible advice & was told to keep it to myself!! That I didn’t need to share or work on it. Whether I hit a nerve with that counsellor or what?! But it wasn’t safe to share with my partner at the time. He suspected & I think he knew what I had been through & got angry every time I tried to tell him about it. So, I took the counsellors advice & for years never spoke of it, even throughout my own counselling.
When at secondary school I discovered my love of art & photography which was encouraged by both my mother & stepfather, the latter who is also a photographer & avid supporter of the arts. I naturally was drawn to figurative art & that of the female nude. I fell in love with the works of Rodin, Van Hove, Ray Leaning & H.R Giger.
When I was 18 I attended my first Erotica show & saw the incredible Dita Von Teese perform & saw the Torture Garden Show with pole dancers & all their glorious performers & saw how I dreamed I wanted to be one day & what I’d love to do 🤩 All that confidence, skill & sass! I didn’t think it could be true as I didn’t believe in myself back then, but it didn’t stop me working towards it.
I started modelling alongside doing my artwork & this formed the basis for a lot of my art. I moved to Camden in London to study at Central Saint Martins for my foundation degree. I thought I’d left my abuse behind but of course the very first “date” I went on went sour. I still hadn’t learnt what to look out for & was still landing in the same pitfalls of love bombing without realising or knowing what was happening. So, the cycle just repeated itself.
It was later that year that I met my future husband & for the first time felt “safe” in my life. How wrong I was! But it was probably the safest I’d felt up until that point. We also thought that we had fallen “in love at first sight”. I later learnt that this was simply trauma bonding. All those fairy tales & movies that we fantasise over. It’s trauma bonding. True love builds on a strong foundation of friendship & grows & so takes time. Or that’s how it’s been in my experience. If it’s a whirlwind it can be fun, but those extremes come with extreme highs & then the inevitable extreme lows. You can’t have one without the other. That’s how that relationship & marriage of 11 years was. It was exciting & I did plenty of new things & helped discover who I was. We went clubbing, to festivals & I learnt to let go & dance which was incredibly therapeutic & much needed. We shared interests, we travelled but everything was marred with arguments. He steadily chipped away at my self confidence & worth & at the very essence of who I was. I can see now the many long twisted manipulative games he played & had laid out in order to gain control of me.
So, after gaining a distinction from Central Saint Martins I moved in with him & started producing artwork & got gallery representation. My art was shown & sold at art fairs worldwide & I had my first solo art exhibition in 2015. One year after my suicide attempt.
Which brings us back to my jarring wake up call. That didn’t stop me trying to make things work in our relationship for another 4 years with couples therapy on top of my own. In this time, I also started teaching pole & aerial hoop & then opened my own studio PiggyPole & Aerial Fitness in 2017. My goal is to hold a safe space for others & to share my knowledge & passion in order to help others to heal & grow & to just generally feel better in themselves ❤️
I finally felt like I’d tried everything & we called it quits & decided to get divorced in 2018. Then one of my best friends who had been supporting me through all these years despite not knowing the full story or how badly I was being treated professes his feelings for me. I didn’t want to keep anything from him or build a relationship on any lies, so I told him everything. My whole life story for the first time. He is the first person I’ve ever done this with. He gently pointed out that what happened to me wasn’t right, that it wasn’t love & that it wasn’t ok. Finally, being able to tell all of this to someone & getting that validation back at the age of 30 was honestly life changing. Now I can see that one difficult conversation was one of the most important steps in my journey of coming back to myself.
We moved in together in 2019 & for the first time not being drained by the relationship I was in; I was able to focus on my aerial business which flourished! Then Covid hit. We managed to move into our current home & then lockdown. What did all this free time do?Gave the body & mind time to slow down, without distractions, to process. I was finally in a safe relationship & a safe space to do so. I shared with my close family what has happened to me in my, life & so the delayering & healing process began.
I have been dealing with this aswell as healing my body for the past 5/6 years with the help & safety of my partner & my family.
I have just about recovered from the past 2 years of severe chronic fatigue & being severely unwell as all of this has emerged, & things have come to light. I have had to re- experience all that I’ve been through, as it wasn’t safe to at the time. The body remembers & stores all trauma until it can be released & the cycle has been completed. Although the past 2 years has been amongst the most challenging in my life, I can see that I needed to go through it. I needed to learn all the lessons & everything needed to happen & unfold as it did & I did it in the time that I needed to. You cannot rush the mind with these things. Trust me I’ve tried. I’ve actively fought against my mind after realising a hard truth & my mind was fighting me trying to repress/forget it. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. Sometimes if it feels truly important to me right then & there, I’ll fight so I can feel & experience that truth. But other times I’ll let my mind win & let it slip away as I’m sure it’ll come up again. I’ve learnt we come back & revisit things, events, traumas, thoughts & come to them with a deeper & new level of understanding. We heal in spirals.
I now have a much greater understanding of my mind, my body aswell as my gifts. I can realign & readjust my body when needed. If I have a bone sublux (which my ribs amongst others like to do) I can manipulate them back into place myself through meditation & somatic practices. I know my body will guide me. I am so much more resilient than I have ever been. I’m becoming aware of all the stories & scripts that have been instilled on me by others that have been ruling my life through fear to serve them. I’m seeing that they don’t serve me & that I don’t want to live my life that way any longer. That I don’t need to still live in these patterns of fear that are so detrimental to me. I know that this process of unravelling will be an ongoing one as I have had a lifetime of programming. But thankfully I am now in a loving, safe & supportive relationship where I can do this. I now know that if I can survive everything I’ve been through, I can get through anything life throws at me. I finally have trust in myself aswell as trust in the universe that things are going to work out.
I have a very clear drive & goal to help others as I don’t want anyone to needlessly suffer the pain in their bodies that I have done so throughout my entire life from living with hEDS a hypermobility syndrome & having no idea & also I want to hold a safe space for people just the same as I found & to help them heal through dance & simply reconnecting with their bodies. You’ll find people do not heal from their traumas & repeat the same patterns & hurt others & those around them. Or they heal & become healers themselves because they do not wish any other soul to experience what they have. This is why Nikki’s SooN shop is so wonderful because she is also on this very same path & I’m proud to be on it with her 💗
Now I want to help raise awareness as I spent so much of my life blaming myself, thinking things were normal, not knowing the signs & patterns to watch out for. & sadly, domestic violence & abuse is so common & is sadly all the more likely for women with audhd & those who are neurodiverse so the more awareness we can raise the better. Multiple research studies show that people with ADHD &/or Autism are at higher risk of sexual victimisation.
One study concluded this affects 9/10. Autistic women:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9087551/
Most days I can see & appreciate how far I’ve come. How much I’ve changed & how resilient & strong I’ve become. But I still have days where I wake up having had vivid nightmares thatI’m still in my marriage or that I’ve gone back to that relationship like I had so many times before & felt so trapped. Or I have vivid flashbacks & re-experience traumatic events, sometimes as they release from my body whilst doing self massage or somatic work. In the last couple of years in the time of seeing so many medical professionals I was also diagnosed with cptsd. On these days no matter how far I’ve progressed it can take me right back to feeling trapped, helpless & small. Or doubting & questioning myself constantly which is a result of gaslighting. It can take some time for me to remember that I am not that person anymore & that I can protect & look out for her now. But I know that that time is getting less & I’m growing into the person I’ve always wanted to become. The person who’s always been there before she was burden with other people’s expectations, desires, rules & scripts. My true authentic self 💖 This is just the beginning.
- Suicide attempts and near-death experiences
- Child grooming, sexual abuse, and rape
- Domestic violence, physical abuse, and emotional manipulation
- Trauma bonding, gaslighting, and narcissistic abuse
- Chronic health conditions, chronic pain, and mental health struggles
- Dissociation and disassociation from the body
✨ It’s my time now ✨
For that to happen, for me to live my life in full, I need to get all of this out there. I’m done holding it in. I’ve had a lifetime of hiding behind a mask of fear. Of people pleasing & trying to keep the peace. I didn’t want or ask for any of what I’ve been through & I certainly didn’t deserve it. I am not ashamed. Something I can say now, but it hasn’t always been the case.
If you’re interested in what I’ve been dealing with all this time, desperately trying to keep my head above the water whilst simultaneously acting like everything’s fine & nothings going on. Here it is. It’s lengthy, it’s real & gets gritty in places. It’s just the tip of the iceberg in truth. Of course it is. It’s a life. It’s my life! But if you stick with it & get to the end you will understand & know me much better. Who I am as a person & why I do the work I do. So let’s jump straight in…buckle up!!
This year has been significant for me,marking a period of renewal that resonates with the transformations from a decade ago. I feel like I'm starting again, almost as if I'm emerging from the ashes like a phoenix. This journey reflects my growth & resilience, symbolising a powerful rebirth, filled with new possibilities. It’s my 10 year poliversary & it also marks 10 years since I tried to take my own life by hanging myself. Interestingly enough it was also the time that my art was really taking off & was doing exceptionally well. In 2013 I created “Leila” the first run of Variable Edition Silkscreen Prints which was the beginning of my Gilded Collection working with metal leaf. These hand finished Limited Edition prints were screenprints of the original painting “Leila Domani” & were launched at the Affordable Art Fair in Battersea, London by Turner Barnes Gallery. They took my art to new heights aswell as new audiences & flew off the shelves as they say. Since this first Art Fair my art was shown & sold internationally at Affordable Art Fairs aswell as being shown in Selfridges & Zebra One Gallery in London. I would go on to have my very own Solo Exhibition “All That Glitters” in 2015.
For you to understand my art & my story you have to understand all that I have been through. The many experiences & traumas that have shaped my life & made me the person I am today. I sadly have had a trauma filled life but the upside of this is trauma fuels creativity.
It’s true the saying that the opposite of depression is expression. I think trauma fuels great creativity & expression in us. It is the push that forces us grow, whether we want to or not.
Trauma can alter brain structure and function, sometimes resulting in MRI patterns similar to those seen in neurodivergent individuals. This phenomenon, often referred to as acquired neurodivergence, is pretty fascinating.
There’s also, not surprisingly, a strong link between neurodiversity & trauma. They are comorbidities meaning if you have one you likely have the other & this sadly goes for PTSD aswell.
“Trauma and neurodiversity go hand in hand, sadly. Despite that, it is not a well-researched area. What we do know, is that people with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are three times as likely to be exposed to trauma and 80% of adults with ADHD report trauma experiences. We know that ADHD children are at greater risk of burns, upper extremity fractures, and head injuries, and people with ASD are at greater risk of physical and sexual abuse than their neurotypical (NT) counterparts. And this correlation works in both directions: ADHD is diagnosed twice as often in abused children, and prevalence and symptom severity increases with subsequent trauma – an effect that has not been shown in neurotypical population studies.”-Amanda Marples Welldoing.org
I’m fond of the Japanese art of kintsugi, which involves repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer. It’s believed that the flaw adds history to the piece which makes it all the more beautiful. As we all experience trauma in our lives the focus should really shift onto pouring compassion into those cracks. I think we have been & are seeing a shift in that direction in society,but we still could do with more. More awareness can & still should be made.
The art of how we repair & what beauty can come from it. Healing from trauma is the art of repairing yourself. Often over & over again. That’s why the heart is so strong & incredibly resilient ♥️ It also ignites your gift of intuition. Your heart, intuition & creativity are all one ❤️🔥
I’ve begun to feel feelings properly & fully for the first time this year due to my lifelong disassociation. It’s freakin’ wild. Having these realisations in themselves is wild when until a certain point in your life you honestly believed you had had a pretty normal one. The mind does so much to shield itself from the truth. We as humans are capable of incredible feats.
This amongst others is one of the main things that drew me into the world of pole & then aerial & why I always encourage people to discover what your body can do❣️ So many of us are disassociated from our bodies due to chronic conditions, pain, grief, trauma. Reconnecting & befriending our bodies is a key step.
Delving into the creatives gives you the space & freedom to express yourself aswell as holding a space for yourself.
Looking back, I can now see that my artwork now was a declaration of my strong femineity & suppressed sexuality. My own fierce female prowess that’s been pushed down to make others comfortable. Honestly, I have been afraid it myself, all this time without realising it. But I see now that this fear was learnt & is not my own.
I always struggled to explain & figure out the inspiration of my work. The message I was trying to convey. It’s the questions I’d always get asked. Now I understand why. I needed to heal first so I could understand. My minds been keeping it all safely tucked away from me.
I’m unravelling back to find my true authentic self before I had everyone else’s shit & expectations put an me. I was terrified & trapped & wasn’t even aware of it. My mind lied to me & told me I was in love. I was a child. I started being groomed at the age of 8.
What is a child supposed to know of these things?
I was primed for this of course by the fact that I was bullied by my father.
All these experiences have made me turn inward & hyperfocus for the answers (adhd for the win🙌). This ultimately is a result of the neglect I’ve had as a child where I’ve assumed it’s my fault which is a pretty standard response. My abusers have also always told me that it’s been because of how I look or how I am in some way, making it clear it’s my fault, not theirs. So as a natural survival instinct, especially at such a young age, you self monitor & self examine. Once I started talking about all of this, I realised I had the belief that I’ve been blaming myself for everything that’s happened to me which is just utter bullshit!! It was never my fault. I know that. The adult rational me knows that. But my inner child I think still needs some convincing. I’m hoping with time she’ll come round. The result of this constant looking inwards, this drive to improve, the quest to learn more about myself & to grow been the best thing I could have ever done. It may have stemmed from fear originally & the need to be loved & accepted, but now I give that to myself.
So, I’m going to start from the very beginning. I was born with many chronic health conditions & was not a healthy baby. I had severe asthma & allergies & I didn’t know about these until the last few years. I also am neurodivergent, have adhd although I am now wondering whether I should use audhd as it seems more apt, hEDS, POTS, migraines (since the age of 4!!), chronic pain, chronic fatigue & am now actually classified as disabled. As a young child not knowing any of these things or what I was dealing with, was labelled as a difficult child. This only got worse as I got older as males were revered in our families & I often landed the blame for things that weren’t my responsibility. This was a pattern that I of course being a child I took on which would help shape my life. This male preference later led me to deny my own sexuality which my nan used to laugh at me about which I used to think was cruel, but I now see was her only seeing how futile my efforts were at something she herself had to deal with in her family & lifetime also.
My parents also used to smack us as punishment which wasn’t all that uncommon then & was as their parents treated them. My parents also used to get into heated arguments & rows that would sometimes get violent. Me & my brother would sit at the top of the stairs & listen worried. So domestic violence & abuse was common & pretty standard in my household. It was the norm & was how I was raised.
I was bullied by my father & constantly criticised. Whether he realised it or not, & whether it was intended or not. That was how he treated me. My brother got treated just as poorly by my father.
My parents got divorced which quite frankly was a relief although of course it was traumatic in itself. At the age of 8 I started to be groomed. At the age of 11 I was raped for the first time on his birthday. It was a milestone one & I was a gift he was giving to himself. This sadly continued well on throughout my teenage years & no one was the wiser. It’s incredible how your mind warps & suppresses experiences to protect you. I was manipulated, tortured, trained, abused & raped for years upon years telling myself that this was love. But it was in no way love & I’ve since felt the utter fear & pain that both my body & mind wouldn’t & couldn’t let me feel, because it simply wasn’t safe to. The panic of feeling trapped with no escape, no way out & not feeling safe anywhere I was. In fact, it hadn’t been safe for me to feel & process all of this until the last few years. Because I’m sad to say, I haven’t been safe for my entire life. Since this I have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. How was I supposed to know any better or different when this is all I’ve known? I have been sexually assaulted & raped outside of my “relationships” several times too. Sadly, once when I was only 13. It almost feels like you’re wearing a big sign or a flag or something. I understand now it’s all to do with trauma bonding, posture & body language, confidence & how we carry ourselves. We’re easy prey & predators can spot us a mile off! They see the damage & the unhealed part of you. I’m not in any way saying that we are to blame but I have realised that there are things that make us easier to spot for these narcissistic abusers. If I can help raise some awareness as a preventative measure even if it’s not met well by some, I’m going to say it!!
I look back now & see that I was always taken advantage of by my so-called male “friends” when I was younger. My boyfriends have always been manipulative & abusive leading me to my marriage which was full of violence, gaslighting & my ultimate downfall but also my salvation.
It’s funny & I do not think it’s a coincidence (I don’t believe in them anymore!) that I am a part of this exhibition & am ready to share this with the world as this year marks the 10-year anniversary of 2 major events that changed my life forever. In 2014 I took up pole fitness. I had wanted to start sooner but sadly I had an epigastric hernia which needed repairing so this set me back a few years!! Thanks, hEDS!! But going to pole classes gave me a safe space to start allowing myself to be myself again & gave me the freedom to start building my confidence back up after my narcissistic partner had managed to isolate me from all of my friends pretty well. I know of course I let this happen. I am not blameless, but nothing was more important to me than finally finding someone who truly cared about me & loved me etc etc! I was in a fairytale which is also so common when relationships begin with love bombing!!
The other milestone, although grim was that summer I tried to hang myself. What was so scary about this is that although I was depressed & had been my whole life, which was my norm & had thought about suicide a few times, this was in no way planned. No what was so scary about this is that I completely disassociated & was just watching from above like it was happening to someone else & I was so calm, collected & peaceful.
Thankfully it failed & the chord snapped. This near-death experience woke me the fuck up & although my partner & I were in couples counselling I started to get my own counselling immediately as this understandably shook me to my core.
I want to add here that nooses were tied & shoved in my face by my groomer over the years. Some sort of weird obsession of his. Everything’s cyclical. Sadly, I tried bringing up my grooming in a session of couple counselling when my ex had left the session & got some terrible advice & was told to keep it to myself!! That I didn’t need to share or work on it. Whether I hit a nerve with that counsellor or what?! But it wasn’t safe to share with my partner at the time. He suspected & I think he knew what I had been through & got angry every time I tried to tell him about it. So, I took the counsellors advice & for years never spoke of it, even throughout my own counselling.
When at secondary school I discovered my love of art & photography which was encouraged by both my mother & stepfather, the latter who is also a photographer & avid supporter of the arts. I naturally was drawn to figurative art & that of the female nude. I fell in love with the works of Rodin, Van Hove, Ray Leaning & H.R Giger.
When I was 18 I attended my first Erotica show & saw the incredible Dita Von Teese perform & saw the Torture Garden Show with pole dancers & all their glorious performers & saw how I dreamed I wanted to be one day & what I’d love to do 🤩 All that confidence, skill & sass! I didn’t think it could be true as I didn’t believe in myself back then, but it didn’t stop me working towards it.
I started modelling alongside doing my artwork & this formed the basis for a lot of my art. I moved to Camden in London to study at Central Saint Martins for my foundation degree. I thought I’d left my abuse behind but of course the very first “date” I went on went sour. I still hadn’t learnt what to look out for & was still landing in the same pitfalls of love bombing without realising or knowing what was happening. So, the cycle just repeated itself.
It was later that year that I met my future husband & for the first time felt “safe” in my life. How wrong I was! But it was probably the safest I’d felt up until that point. We also thought that we had fallen “in love at first sight”. I later learnt that this was simply trauma bonding. All those fairy tales & movies that we fantasise over. It’s trauma bonding. True love builds on a strong foundation of friendship & grows & so takes time. Or that’s how it’s been in my experience. If it’s a whirlwind it can be fun, but those extremes come with extreme highs & then the inevitable extreme lows. You can’t have one without the other. That’s how that relationship & marriage of 11 years was. It was exciting & I did plenty of new things & helped discover who I was. We went clubbing, to festivals & I learnt to let go & dance which was incredibly therapeutic & much needed. We shared interests, we travelled but everything was marred with arguments. He steadily chipped away at my self confidence & worth & at the very essence of who I was. I can see now the many long twisted manipulative games he played & had laid out in order to gain control of me.
So, after gaining a distinction from Central Saint Martins I moved in with him & started producing artwork & got gallery representation. My art was shown & sold at art fairs worldwide & I had my first solo art exhibition in 2015. One year after my suicide attempt.
Which brings us back to my jarring wake up call. That didn’t stop me trying to make things work in our relationship for another 4 years with couples therapy on top of my own. In this time, I also started teaching pole & aerial hoop & then opened my own studio PiggyPole & Aerial Fitness in 2017. My goal is to hold a safe space for others & to share my knowledge & passion in order to help others to heal & grow & to just generally feel better in themselves ❤️
I finally felt like I’d tried everything & we called it quits & decided to get divorced in 2018. Then one of my best friends who had been supporting me through all these years despite not knowing the full story or how badly I was being treated professes his feelings for me. I didn’t want to keep anything from him or build a relationship on any lies, so I told him everything. My whole life story for the first time. He is the first person I’ve ever done this with. He gently pointed out that what happened to me wasn’t right, that it wasn’t love & that it wasn’t ok. Finally, being able to tell all of this to someone & getting that validation back at the age of 30 was honestly life changing. Now I can see that one difficult conversation was one of the most important steps in my journey of coming back to myself.
We moved in together in 2019 & for the first time not being drained by the relationship I was in; I was able to focus on my aerial business which flourished! Then Covid hit. We managed to move into our current home & then lockdown. What did all this free time do?Gave the body & mind time to slow down, without distractions, to process. I was finally in a safe relationship & a safe space to do so. I shared with my close family what has happened to me in my, life & so the delayering & healing process began.
I have been dealing with this aswell as healing my body for the past 5/6 years with the help & safety of my partner & my family.
I have just about recovered from the past 2 years of severe chronic fatigue & being severely unwell as all of this has emerged, & things have come to light. I have had to re- experience all that I’ve been through, as it wasn’t safe to at the time. The body remembers & stores all trauma until it can be released & the cycle has been completed. Although the past 2 years has been amongst the most challenging in my life, I can see that I needed to go through it. I needed to learn all the lessons & everything needed to happen & unfold as it did & I did it in the time that I needed to. You cannot rush the mind with these things. Trust me I’ve tried. I’ve actively fought against my mind after realising a hard truth & my mind was fighting me trying to repress/forget it. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. Sometimes if it feels truly important to me right then & there, I’ll fight so I can feel & experience that truth. But other times I’ll let my mind win & let it slip away as I’m sure it’ll come up again. I’ve learnt we come back & revisit things, events, traumas, thoughts & come to them with a deeper & new level of understanding. We heal in spirals.
I now have a much greater understanding of my mind, my body aswell as my gifts. I can realign & readjust my body when needed. If I have a bone sublux (which my ribs amongst others like to do) I can manipulate them back into place myself through meditation & somatic practices. I know my body will guide me. I am so much more resilient than I have ever been. I’m becoming aware of all the stories & scripts that have been instilled on me by others that have been ruling my life through fear to serve them. I’m seeing that they don’t serve me & that I don’t want to live my life that way any longer. That I don’t need to still live in these patterns of fear that are so detrimental to me. I know that this process of unravelling will be an ongoing one as I have had a lifetime of programming. But thankfully I am now in a loving, safe & supportive relationship where I can do this. I now know that if I can survive everything I’ve been through, I can get through anything life throws at me. I finally have trust in myself aswell as trust in the universe that things are going to work out.
I have a very clear drive & goal to help others as I don’t want anyone to needlessly suffer the pain in their bodies that I have done so throughout my entire life from living with hEDS a hypermobility syndrome & having no idea & also I want to hold a safe space for people just the same as I found & to help them heal through dance & simply reconnecting with their bodies. You’ll find people do not heal from their traumas & repeat the same patterns & hurt others & those around them. Or they heal & become healers themselves because they do not wish any other soul to experience what they have. This is why Nikki’s SooN shop is so wonderful because she is also on this very same path & I’m proud to be on it with her 💗
Now I want to help raise awareness as I spent so much of my life blaming myself, thinking things were normal, not knowing the signs & patterns to watch out for. & sadly, domestic violence & abuse is so common & is sadly all the more likely for women with audhd & those who are neurodiverse so the more awareness we can raise the better. Multiple research studies show that people with ADHD &/or Autism are at higher risk of sexual victimisation.
One study concluded this affects 9/10. Autistic women:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9087551/
Most days I can see & appreciate how far I’ve come. How much I’ve changed & how resilient & strong I’ve become. But I still have days where I wake up having had vivid nightmares thatI’m still in my marriage or that I’ve gone back to that relationship like I had so many times before & felt so trapped. Or I have vivid flashbacks & re-experience traumatic events, sometimes as they release from my body whilst doing self massage or somatic work. In the last couple of years in the time of seeing so many medical professionals I was also diagnosed with cptsd. On these days no matter how far I’ve progressed it can take me right back to feeling trapped, helpless & small. Or doubting & questioning myself constantly which is a result of gaslighting. It can take some time for me to remember that I am not that person anymore & that I can protect & look out for her now. But I know that that time is getting less & I’m growing into the person I’ve always wanted to become. The person who’s always been there before she was burden with other people’s expectations, desires, rules & scripts. My true authentic self 💖 This is just the beginning.
Some examples of Sarah's work
